i think i realize now exactly WHY i thrust my thoughts and feelings onto everyone.... and the dream i had last night solidified it. (this is what happens when ur alone in ur room with nothing to do but think and watch the rain)
so, why do i do it? oh, because no one ever asks me how i'm doing. i get the "what's up" but not anything really serious like. i yearn for intelligent conversation. i ache for it. i'm tired of having conversations with myself. its irritating. anything i say to rando, he comes back all snippy-like. WTF??? i'm glad to be away from the drama, so as not to be involved, but if someone would at least keep me posted. i use this to keep ppl posted at what i'm doing in my life, but a lot of things are passing me by. i am very ready just to give up trying to keep attached and confine myself to a select few.
yes, i'm excited about kon. its one of the only things that is keeping my spirits up because that's what i have to look forward to.
as i just explained to mike, a lot of 1/16s eventually add up to a whole, and i've got a lot of wholes. almost 6 years worth. and its burning. i've been thru this same arguement many a time, but it just keeps chewing through my spirit.
i guess this is waht happens when you're tired, brain over exerted from fractions, and generally frustrated. sue goes to allison's every night now, so i'm basically alone here every night, which is fine, but its soooo lonely. we've virtually run out of movies to watch between myself and the interns. yeah, there's something - i hang out with the 17 year old interns... oh, wait i have more intelligent conversations with alissa then ppl at home. guess that shows some kind of maturity amongst some ppl....
i suppose that all of this questioning is the delay of adolescence? or maybe i'm just growing up into an adult, but still hesitant to stay the irresponsible pre-adult.
i love pouring rain cause it makes me think, yet thinking always makes me feel sooo bad. i'm so dehydrated as it is, that i keep losing water to my tears... i can't afford this. THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!
yeah, i know i'm gonna get lots of scorching notes from this once i copy it into FOD, but you know what... if they can't see it within themselves to accept or try to understand me, then they can just keep it to themselves.
this is a journal.
my thoughts.
my feelings
its bad enough i won't get the boy this summer and the personal lonliness eats me up
i don't need the cruelty of the pseudo-friend that keeps leaving the nasty note and lying about it. i have a major hunch at who it was. and if i can prove it, they will so regret it, because a lot of ppl were hurt by those notes, not just me.
i have a good bunch of ppl say that they're my friend, but somehow i only hear it after one of these (which i need to inform them about) and then i rarely ever hear from them. no updates as to what's going on in their life, who tehy're seeing, new hobbies, big events, nothing. 90% of anything i hear is thru the grapevine and seriously post dated. it makes me sick that ppl say they are my friend then never do anything that a friend would do. only a few ppl actualy do any "friend" type things. a very very few. so few, it doesn't even take my full left hand to list them. but the ppl that claim i'm their friend seem to take up at least both hands. funny how that happens. it amuses me greatly. and not in a good way either.
i admit, i've been a bit bitchy to some ppl in the past few months, but i am so frustrated, that i just can't keep it anymore. as long as i can remember i've been soooo patient. this past year is the straw that will break my llama's back. i just can sit and let it ride anymore. i can't.
i'm trying to fix this but it only ever seems to get worse. perhaps i really don't want it fixed? (right, try that arguement and watch me drop u) i just want a little cooperation. apperently a few of these "friends" have been having prob. lately too, but did i know... yeah, AFTER the fact. you were there for my emotional breakdown, let me be there for you...but i guess you don't want me to be there. i see how it goes. i can't offer any words of encouragement. its bad enough that i get put down for everything i do 10 hrs a day at work cause i don't have sarah's experience (thank god bud gives us "good job" things or i would probably erupt) i don't need to feel worthless outside. I try my damndest to prove myself, tehn i make a stupid error cause we're all drained and make myself look stupid. i'm talking, dumb mistakes. really dumb. but i will succeed and prove to them all i can do it. true, we're not a professional shop, but we do our damndest for the most unpractical designer on the planet! he makes me wanna smack him.
wow, 9:16... almost bed time (pathetic isn't it.... but sleep is what keeps us going...)
i know i don't have it as bad as some people
i know i've been very spoiled in my life
i know that i take some freedoms for granted
i know that my dreams are just that, dreams
i know that practicallity and reality are things i have to face
i know that unmei (destiny) has marked this route for me and that she doesn't want to be toiled with
i know that i'm going to freeze to death if i don't turn down the a/c....
i'm now going to go feel sorry for myself and freeze cause i have nothing better to do apparently.
goodnight.
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