(no subject)

so its almost 4:30 and i'm still up. tonight for no reason. i'm not talking to anyone - infact i'm not online. I haven't been able to sleep much lately. even this morning i was up and ready to go at 8am even after falling asleep somewhere around 5ish. i guess its cause i have a lot on my mind. there's just so much going on in there, its affecting me in so many ways.

i've been a million years less patient on things that normally wouldn't bother me. for some strange reason, i've been awfully cold to my mom. i don't mean to be, but i think its cause every time i talk to her she mentiones how many weeks... i really don't want to hear about that right now.

i guess what it comes down to, is the whole stress thing about graduating - and if i even can. i suppose i don't want to hear it because it may not happen... of course i can walk, but what's the point if i can't leave? i did email dr. hale, but i have this awful feeling deep in my heart it won't be a good response. and it makes me cry to think of anything he could possibly say to me. and of course, all i would want to do if it is as i fear, would to totally give up and just quit, because to me, it just isn't worth it. yes, i'm sure i could work at air products until december then get the job i want (or at least the location), but i don't want that. it isnt what i envision. also, that's another thing. i haven't applied anywhere yet - nor have i really started looking. i know i can talk to alis and have my resume sent to where she is, and i can post my resume, but as for anything else, i haven't started. honestly, i have other things to worry about and that's not number 1 on my priority list.

so aside from the continuing self-inflicted emotional stress i've been putting myself thru... lets see what else is poking at my neurons...

lets start with the winter formal. i wanted this year's to be super fabulous. great friends, great dress, and hopefully a great person to accompany me. well, i got the first 2, but the third fell thru. so what happens... my roomates must think me desperate enough to have to find someone to bring for me. this is NOT how i want things to appear. i would have been.... able to handle i guess is the best way to say it... going alone as i have before, but no.... i'm apparently super desperate and need to be set up cause i'm totally incapable... i feel really humiliated and sad. and the fact htat they won't tell me who it is either, doesn't help things at all. at this point, i don't even wanna go. i could just focus lights with sue all day. considering she's not going either, we could have a good time with the lights... i'm sure allison would be a 3rd body to focus on....(sue to tell me where to focus to and allison to be the "dummy")

lets see... oh, research... i'm falling behind.... rapidly. i'm going in tomorrow to pool the rest of my pcrs. i have a lot of reactions to run, but that's ok. once those are pooled and everything works (hopefully), i'm so ready to sequence for the next few weeks. i'm so running out of time for PAS and there are NO results as of yet. I think i'll stay here for spring break and do research all day every day to get things done.

great segue into spring break! I'm going to ohio. this is a heavy financial burden for me. so during htat spring break, while i'm researching, i'll be working too, if kevin needs me to. i just want to go quad skipping with sarah, but i'm afraid its gioing to be too cold.... but we'll do it anyway ;)

Otakon... things are underway, i'm just waiting to hear from ppl to see if they can go or not, then its just a matter of collecting the money. i can't wait! it should be real exciting. but there is so much more planning this year. there will some ppl coming from great distances to go with us, and to get everyone in one spot to leave at the same time will be interesting. not to mention, finding ppl willing to drive, etc, etc.. but that's all for june. right now is who and how many rooms? if i don't hear from anyone else, we're still looking at 1 very tight room. but whatever.

i've made some great changes in my life, yet i'm not reaping any benefits. i haven't had soda in almost a month at all, i've had HARDCORE DDR sessions mulitple times a week, i haven't had alcohol in who knows how long... and i wish my mom would stop trying to get me to drink... WHEN I SAY I DON'T WANT ANY I MEAN I DON'T WANT ANY.... i've eased off a lot of sugar (but now that i think about it, that could explain my migranes - the lack of sugar), and since food here really blows, i've been so hungry everyday....

i'm looking at my hands, and they're starting to look really old. i'm 21. i should have young hands, not middle age hands... as if i needed something else, right? i wish i could be someone else... i wish i could start things over... i wish i wasn't crying.... i wish had my daybed here... i wish i had my dinosaur to cry into like i used to when i was young... i wish for a lot of things... but i know i'll never get them. I've realized i'm just a toy. a voodoo doll of sorts for god to play with and i'm being tortured in order to torture others. i'm always feeling left out, out of place, overlooked, ignored, tolerated, used, insulted, and just generally hated.

i'm sorry to anyone that i've tortured... i don't mean to... i really don't.....

i can't see the screen anymore.... i'm going to pretend to sleep, and just lay here and stare at my sheet-curtain.

goodnight...

(no subject)

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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i did not cheat, but presence (if i had one) would be just fine to me...

(no subject)

i'm so hungry... the food here is so awful that i can't even bring myself to eat it.... i end up eating a damn sandwhich and going home starving. this is ridiculous. i can't eat anything decent. i wish i had the resourses to cook for myself, but we're lacking in basics and most importantly, i'm lacking in money. My current credit card statement isn't all that wonderfull and i have yet to have my books and plane ticket on tehre. this is not good. we got paid today, tehn i went to walmart with her to get some necessities. and what did i come back with? 30 cents. yup. a shiny quarter and nickle. i'm soooooooo broke. i have enough to get my ticket for the formal.. but thats' the only money i have for the next 2 weeks... and i won't make it. not by far. so i probably won't go cause its just not worth the strain. and i can use that time to do things i have to do. (fear, i promise that xmas gift will get to you... eventually... maybe by ur b'day...)

i was doing some thinking to myself - again. but this time i was evaluating my touchy-feely issues. i really don't know why i have them, but i very rarely have much physical contact with someone unless i'm very comfortable around them. anyone that knows me, knows my VERY SHORT list of ppl that i'll let hug me. i'm very uncomfortable shaking hands even. i don't know if this is because i wasn't hugged much as a child, or if it was after Randy M. emotionally hurt me after i let him into my bubble, or just the way i am. i've always been quiet around ppl i'm not familiar with. most of you should know that from the first times i met you... and since then, you've seen me meet more people. which brings me back to the formal... as a "set up" its really not high on the comfort list. It surprises me to see who some of my friends are at times. some of them, like booz for instance... all over everyone (he knows that if he tries to hug me i'll hit him- he has a 2 hug a year allowance from me) then there are others who are very "don't touch me" like i am, (ie: sarah). most of my friends at home are more towards the "huggie" end of hte spectrum, which at times makes me feel uncomfortable - and they're my 'family'.

anyway... i'm off to nap... i'm very tired. then some ddr and the lab later tonight.... gotta pool some PCR adn get ready to sequence!!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

(no subject)

i am scum
i am a failure
i don't deserve kindness
i don't deserve respect
i don't deserve anything

(no subject)

in 97 days....
there will be a graduation....
but not for me... no.
i refuse to even walk....
i refuse to return....
i refuse to retake those credits
i refuse.

yes i am giving up. i don't care anymore. plain and simplle. i just don't care.

(no subject)

i used to have a dream... a goal of sorts... even if it was a bit hazy to begin with. when i came to Cedar Crest, there were a few things i wanted to do.

i wanted to teach calculus. i took calc. 1 and 2 but couldn't schedule in 3... i took EDU 100 and loved it. but the ED department went to hell and Dr. Deemer left. besides, i hate kids. even if tehy are older...

i wanted to do Genetic Enginnering. i don't know why really... but i think it all because mr. warmingham taught me mendelian genetics. yeah, thanks... look where i'm at now...

i wanted to do theatre - but as an aside... but it sucked me in. i have not taken any of the theatre classes, so in order to get the hell out of here with a theatre degree, it would take me 4 years.... yeah, i'm not about to do that.... but i so love doing all my electric work...

psych always seemed interesting... but don't think that is where i wanted to go...

then i discovered japanese... one MOFO of a difficult language, but its soo interesting and i'm starting to remember more and more... even if the vocab makes no sense... its almost straigt memorization, which is why i'm surprised i can actually learn this...

i wish i could get the fuck out of here and just go to japan and teach english (as WONDERFUL as mine is... hahaha) but seeing as i cant.... i may as well go cry some more....