Warning: heavy heavy shit
Oct. 11th, 2003 09:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
glitteringlokethis is a very personal entry, its free to be read, but just be warned, its very heavy and i cried throughly while writing it, because it is just htat heavy for me.
so this weekend class is actually really great... its not that its hard acedemically, but its really hard emotionally. today was the day for introspection. some people have the most amazing stories, while i really don't have any. we had to make a coat of arms with certain events: most important event between 0-14 years, 14 - now, greatest accomplishment in the past year, happiest moment of the past year, something you're good at, and if u had one year to do anything and it would be guarenteed successful, what would it be. plus 3 words u want ppl to say about u if u were to die today. well, i had quite some trouble. i really don't have a lot of milestones are life changing events per se, so it was very hard for me. and the stories from the other people were sad, happy, astonishing, incredible, miraculous, etc. granted, i'm the youngest person in the class, i don't have kids, i am not currently teaching, but all in all, there's really nothing much there. THEN, using some of those things, a few ppl were brave and volunteered for an incredible activity. the first one made anything between parent and child much more insignifigant. the recreation of her finding out her son was actually autistic was just so moving. it was so hard for her to relive that, but she went thru it, and i give her tons of respect. the next person that went, however, really hit home. her main thing was her uncomfortability with her exterior. she loves who she is as a person and is very strong. she works out a lot and loves it, but she wishes she could look on the outside, how she feels on the inside. she doesn't feel good enough, is basicly waht it is. her scene was the sad, daydreaming girl under the tree, who uses the daydreams as an escape. as i was watching that, i realized that I am that girl under the tree. and it pulled out some memories i know i was seriously repressing. i know i was picked on a lot in elementary school, but i always could never realyl remember why. today i remembered. as i wanted to cry in class (like some ppl were), i found i couldn't. i felt the tears in my head and they just wanted to stream (even now tehy are, but i can't let them out) but i couldn't. the reason i was picked on in elementary school was because i would cry. a lot. i was the crybaby. it wouldn't take much to set me off. an insult here or there and i'd go. it almost seemed like a game. even at home it was like that. i'd get upset and start to just cry cause i was hurting inside. my grandfather used to encourage the tears and make fun of me more by saying "cry little girl cry." and it really really hurts. I think that's a real big part of why i'm so hard anymore. i just got tired of being picked on and hardened myself. i'd keep it all in, and i've just never got around to releasing it. i was also picked on because i hit puberty early. so of course i had lots of shit going on at least 1 year or more before everyone else in my class, which is very very difficult. nothing like being 9 and having to deal with all that shit. fucking 9! i think it was somewhere just before then when i started becoming heavier than most of the other girls. and back then it didn't bother me too much, but the voice in the back of my head was starting to whisper. i am completely unhappy with my physical self. i can try my hardest but i can't find anything on my physical person that i truely like. i'm quite aware that i probably have a heavy hormonal imbalance (hence the skipping too), i'm aware that i should be 40-50 lbs lighter, and i just hate it. i hate it all. i ahte my shell. i have shit brown eyes, so they're not even something i like. i just wish sometimes i could start over. but i know that won't make things better. home isn't necessarily great for that either. my mom busts on me because of the skin on the back of my neck gets darker... she says its dirt, but i know it isnt'. i have that same problem elsewhere where no one sees it, and i've had my skin scrubbed raw for weeks at a time and it was still like that. its painful. then my grandfather's always saying how i should lose weight and that i'm fat and shit. it really pisses me off. and upsets me greatly. i'm not perfect, i'm not pretty at all, but i am who i am and its just not good at home. i've had friends talk about a lot of things behind my back, which i've found out about and they are no longer my friends. (anyone who is supposedly your best friend and makes fun of u in 6th grade cause u haven't started shaving your legs because u didn't realize they were that bad yet just isn't a friend). and for "friends" to make fun of u for things beyond your control is just downright cruel. Middle school i think were the best years. pretty much everyone knew who i was and i was generally respected (so i thought). i'm sure there were ppl that didn't like me or whatever, but they didn't go out of their way to destroy me as they had before. High school had its problems and finding someone to go to proms and dances with was no picnic and a very sad event. i had no one to go to the sr. prom with and i was devistated. i felt ashamed to go alone. that i was incompetant at finding someone who would be seen with me. the jr prom dress fiasco was another heavy blow to the self esteem ("you look like a sausage" thanks mom... she even said that in an outfit i bought recently and thought was cute adn she told me never to wear it again... that's real nice, thanks). soph year was a little different, but because of some massive ignorance on my part, i almost lost my best friend. i'm glad now that i had gotten that straightened out before it got bad and lost that friendship forever. i don't know what i'd do if i lost that.
they say this is part of the healing process, that you have to poke at abscesses to make them better... god i hope so.
back to the girl under the tree... i am still that girl. i'm constantly fantasizing about other things. its my escape. i lie in bed and put myself somewhere else, whether its into a completely new world or one of my anime worlds. even thru the day i frequently escape the reality in favor of the security of that other place. Yes i have my obsessions, but i think those are largely because that's where i'm currently escaping to. Its really not obvious, but frequently in stories i write, i usually kill off the character that is supposed to represent me. (she's always there). The DBZ fic, the vampire story (i was already dead and headed to ultimo death), and even the naruto fic. i die in each one. its like i'm trying to kill off something within myself, but it never seems to work and i'm still the girl under the tree. i enjoy the fantasies sometimes, but there's so much pain from that little girl that the desire for them to take over reality is way too strong.
and this is where i will go into anime for a second, and mention the main message of Naruto. To be recognized is the greatest thing. it starts with one, but one day you'll be recognized by everyone and that final recognition takes a lot of work and effort but will ultimately pay off in the end.
I'm kinda like naruto at this point. i have a few people that recognize my abilities, but its only a start and i have a long way to go before being recognized by the rest of them. but i think this is an important step and i'm learning a hell of a lot from this class, despite the amount of anguish i'm going thru right now.
i think i got everything for now... off to occupy my mind...
so this weekend class is actually really great... its not that its hard acedemically, but its really hard emotionally. today was the day for introspection. some people have the most amazing stories, while i really don't have any. we had to make a coat of arms with certain events: most important event between 0-14 years, 14 - now, greatest accomplishment in the past year, happiest moment of the past year, something you're good at, and if u had one year to do anything and it would be guarenteed successful, what would it be. plus 3 words u want ppl to say about u if u were to die today. well, i had quite some trouble. i really don't have a lot of milestones are life changing events per se, so it was very hard for me. and the stories from the other people were sad, happy, astonishing, incredible, miraculous, etc. granted, i'm the youngest person in the class, i don't have kids, i am not currently teaching, but all in all, there's really nothing much there. THEN, using some of those things, a few ppl were brave and volunteered for an incredible activity. the first one made anything between parent and child much more insignifigant. the recreation of her finding out her son was actually autistic was just so moving. it was so hard for her to relive that, but she went thru it, and i give her tons of respect. the next person that went, however, really hit home. her main thing was her uncomfortability with her exterior. she loves who she is as a person and is very strong. she works out a lot and loves it, but she wishes she could look on the outside, how she feels on the inside. she doesn't feel good enough, is basicly waht it is. her scene was the sad, daydreaming girl under the tree, who uses the daydreams as an escape. as i was watching that, i realized that I am that girl under the tree. and it pulled out some memories i know i was seriously repressing. i know i was picked on a lot in elementary school, but i always could never realyl remember why. today i remembered. as i wanted to cry in class (like some ppl were), i found i couldn't. i felt the tears in my head and they just wanted to stream (even now tehy are, but i can't let them out) but i couldn't. the reason i was picked on in elementary school was because i would cry. a lot. i was the crybaby. it wouldn't take much to set me off. an insult here or there and i'd go. it almost seemed like a game. even at home it was like that. i'd get upset and start to just cry cause i was hurting inside. my grandfather used to encourage the tears and make fun of me more by saying "cry little girl cry." and it really really hurts. I think that's a real big part of why i'm so hard anymore. i just got tired of being picked on and hardened myself. i'd keep it all in, and i've just never got around to releasing it. i was also picked on because i hit puberty early. so of course i had lots of shit going on at least 1 year or more before everyone else in my class, which is very very difficult. nothing like being 9 and having to deal with all that shit. fucking 9! i think it was somewhere just before then when i started becoming heavier than most of the other girls. and back then it didn't bother me too much, but the voice in the back of my head was starting to whisper. i am completely unhappy with my physical self. i can try my hardest but i can't find anything on my physical person that i truely like. i'm quite aware that i probably have a heavy hormonal imbalance (hence the skipping too), i'm aware that i should be 40-50 lbs lighter, and i just hate it. i hate it all. i ahte my shell. i have shit brown eyes, so they're not even something i like. i just wish sometimes i could start over. but i know that won't make things better. home isn't necessarily great for that either. my mom busts on me because of the skin on the back of my neck gets darker... she says its dirt, but i know it isnt'. i have that same problem elsewhere where no one sees it, and i've had my skin scrubbed raw for weeks at a time and it was still like that. its painful. then my grandfather's always saying how i should lose weight and that i'm fat and shit. it really pisses me off. and upsets me greatly. i'm not perfect, i'm not pretty at all, but i am who i am and its just not good at home. i've had friends talk about a lot of things behind my back, which i've found out about and they are no longer my friends. (anyone who is supposedly your best friend and makes fun of u in 6th grade cause u haven't started shaving your legs because u didn't realize they were that bad yet just isn't a friend). and for "friends" to make fun of u for things beyond your control is just downright cruel. Middle school i think were the best years. pretty much everyone knew who i was and i was generally respected (so i thought). i'm sure there were ppl that didn't like me or whatever, but they didn't go out of their way to destroy me as they had before. High school had its problems and finding someone to go to proms and dances with was no picnic and a very sad event. i had no one to go to the sr. prom with and i was devistated. i felt ashamed to go alone. that i was incompetant at finding someone who would be seen with me. the jr prom dress fiasco was another heavy blow to the self esteem ("you look like a sausage" thanks mom... she even said that in an outfit i bought recently and thought was cute adn she told me never to wear it again... that's real nice, thanks). soph year was a little different, but because of some massive ignorance on my part, i almost lost my best friend. i'm glad now that i had gotten that straightened out before it got bad and lost that friendship forever. i don't know what i'd do if i lost that.
they say this is part of the healing process, that you have to poke at abscesses to make them better... god i hope so.
back to the girl under the tree... i am still that girl. i'm constantly fantasizing about other things. its my escape. i lie in bed and put myself somewhere else, whether its into a completely new world or one of my anime worlds. even thru the day i frequently escape the reality in favor of the security of that other place. Yes i have my obsessions, but i think those are largely because that's where i'm currently escaping to. Its really not obvious, but frequently in stories i write, i usually kill off the character that is supposed to represent me. (she's always there). The DBZ fic, the vampire story (i was already dead and headed to ultimo death), and even the naruto fic. i die in each one. its like i'm trying to kill off something within myself, but it never seems to work and i'm still the girl under the tree. i enjoy the fantasies sometimes, but there's so much pain from that little girl that the desire for them to take over reality is way too strong.
and this is where i will go into anime for a second, and mention the main message of Naruto. To be recognized is the greatest thing. it starts with one, but one day you'll be recognized by everyone and that final recognition takes a lot of work and effort but will ultimately pay off in the end.
I'm kinda like naruto at this point. i have a few people that recognize my abilities, but its only a start and i have a long way to go before being recognized by the rest of them. but i think this is an important step and i'm learning a hell of a lot from this class, despite the amount of anguish i'm going thru right now.
i think i got everything for now... off to occupy my mind...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
I am here...
Date: 10/12/03 12:29 am (UTC)Love ya
no subject
Date: 10/12/03 06:59 pm (UTC)Sarah
no subject
Date: 10/12/03 11:19 pm (UTC)Hugs from Cali
no subject
Date: 10/14/03 11:46 am (UTC)We may like to live in our own little worlds (anime and video games), but what's wrong with that? I would rather be under a tree enjoying my life than living a life of worry and sorrow.
Be what you need to be - dont lead you life trying to prove your worth to others. I did that all though high school and it got me nowhere - my own self awareness never grew. Prove your life to yourself. Do what you need to do and never regret your desicions because of others. This is YOUR life. Live it however YOU choose.
no subject
Date: 10/14/03 11:49 am (UTC)Yeah....
Date: 10/14/03 03:22 pm (UTC)